Thursday, 27 February 2014

Shrek Swamp Kart Speedway review

It's hard to believe now, but Shrek was a big deal at one point. It had very good CGI animation, it mocked the cliches of fairy tale stories, and it managed to tell a good story with a genuine moral at the end. It also made a lot of money. This, of course, resulted in over 20 Shrek based video games being made, most of them ranging from decent to truly awful. Of course, Shrek also managed to get multiple kart racing games, and one of them is an amazingly bad game. It's the one over there by the way.

Story-N/A: There is no story. A bunch of characters from the first Shrek movie  drive around in cars. I think there might be something about a dragon's treasure, but that's never actually brought up in the game itself, just promotional material. I can't even believe this game had promotional material.

Gameplay-2/10: The game is one of the most boring, generic racing piece of Shrek stank on the GBA. But since I can't leave it there, I guess I'll go into more detail on why it stinks like a rotten onion.

Well, there are multiple Shrek characters playable. Like Shrek. And... The Gingerbread Man. I think there was an executioner guy. The deal with these characters is that if you choose the wrong one, the game becomes an unplayable mess. If you choose the right one, it becomes a boring slog to get through.

There are also tracks. 16 tracks, like most racing games. I honestly couldn't tell you anything about them, they all have the same rough layout. Straightaways, bridges over gaps/water, and then holes. Maybe you'll get a jump or two, but every track feels the same. The most they ever do is adding a bunch of turns to the track.

As usual, there are items to use, this time taking the form of white spell books. The problem with the items, however, is that there are only like, 4 or 5 items, most of them have very confusing uses. There's a thumb that shrinks other racers, and a red cloak that does... something. The most straightforward is the glass slipper that lets you shoot 3 pumpkins.

Each character also has a "special" item they can use, represented by a star. In order to get the item, you need to collect 4 Shrek logos that are on the track The only clear one I got was the executioner's, where he throws axes. The Gingerbread Man's is incredibly unclear, but it might give him a speed boost.

One of the most dreadful additions this game makes is the curses, given to you by black spell books. They do incredibly inconvenient things to you, like shrink you, or reverse your controls. This is a terrible idea and there is a reason why nobody uses it.

There isn't really a story mode, nor is there even a cup mode. Heck, there isn't even a Time Trial mode. The main single player mode has you go through four loosely themed areas, and you have to win the 4 main tracks in order to get to the next one. You can fail as many times as needed, as long as you get first place.

There are four unlockable characters, each unlocked by getting first in the last race of each area. These include Robin Hood and... Donkey? The secondary character, voiced by Eddie Murphy, there for 90 % of the movie, ON THE BOX ART Donkey?! Who decided that?

Let's talk glitches, because WOO BOY is there a lot. For example, I got stuck in a wall. Multiple times. I've also been taken to the beginning of a straightaway just by falling down a pit. I also got caught up in walls, which is different from being stuck in walls.

Graphics-3/10: Take a look at this picture:


That is the title screen. Pretty much sums the entire thing up. The characters are all done is this terrifying duper deformed style that's probably meant to be cute, but it winds up looking more like a bunch of people in mascot costumes or bobble heads.

The tracks are incredibly varied and diffePFFAahha, no, the tracks are as bland and boring as the rest of the game. You might get something slightly interesting like a Christmas themed track, but most of the tracks stick to swamps, forests, and castles. If anything, they do manage to put detail into the backgrounds, so that's something.

That doesn't stop some of the tracks from being ugly, though. At best the tracks are uninteresting, and at worst it can make you feel a bit nauseous. One track, I swear to god, rendered in inverted colors. I don't know if it was just the ROM I was playing, but it made me feel sick when I looked at it.

And that's basically it, an incredibly ugly looking game. Since there really isn't anything else to say, here are some more wonderful pictures:

Overall-3/10: Don't waste any of your time on this thing. Don't even download it, just ignore it and move on. It's not even fit to run on the shittiest computers. But you wanna know what the worst thing about this is? It's technically a working game, as in, I can beat it, an for that, I have to give it more points than it actually deserves. Ugh.

Christ, I need to take a break from reviews. I'll still update this blog, but  i won't be reviewing anything for a little bit.

1 comment:

  1. How dare you talk this way about my favorite game. I'm very upset.